Happy Starr

My parents had to put our dog down on Tuesday.  I can't even grasp the fact that she won't be there each time I come home, to greet me, to lick my hand, to walk with me around the block.  She was in our lives for 15 years, and absolutely the best companion anyone could wish to have.  It seemed as though she always knew what we were talking about, and even could somehow understand time in baseball innings.  :)  I would have done anything for her, and given anything for her.  When I went home to visit, I would lay on her bed with her for hours just petting and cuddling her.  We would go for walks, and even when she was old, she ALWAYS tried for me.  Always tried to eat, let me feed her out of my hand, and wagged her tail, even though it hurt.

Perhaps the worst part of the night was when my Dad had to tell me.  They are visiting right now, and wanted to tell me in person instead of last night over the phone.  I have never seen my father cry before, ever.  I'm sure he cried when his mother died, but I have never seen it.  He is my pillar of strength, and he broke down and sobbed when telling me.  I knew I couldn't shed a single tear and it was my turn to be strong for him and my stepmom.  Right before he told me, when he started crying, I instantly feared that he was going to tell me that he was dying, and for a few moments I was actually relieved.  But, once it sank in, I was stunned.  Shocked and very sad.  

She hadn't been able to smell, and hadn't eaten anything in two days, or had any water.  She had alzehimers, and almost complete liver failure.  She didn't wanted to be walked anymore, her ABSOLUTE favorite thing in the world, and could barely actually walk.   She had once been the first to give kisses, and even would give them on command, just one small lick to let you know she understood...but hadn't given my Dad a kiss in months.  She was his little girl and the absolute joy of his life.  As they gave her a muscle relaxant, before the euthanasia took over, she laid her little head up against his arm, and gave him a small kiss on his hand, as she had done years before, just to say that she'd be ok.  As he said, she hadn't done that in 8 months, but that was the last thing she did.

I can't imagine the house without her.  I cry every time I think about her, and what I would have given to have hugged her one last time.  Rest in Peace Happy Starr.  I will see you in heaven.

Stress

Lately, I've been getting sick randomly, and often.  Nothing serious, just intestinal 'issues' and nausea.  (No, I'm not pregnant...)  I have been thinking that it's something that I've eaten, every time, but now, I'm beginning to believe I might be making myself sick due to stress.  It's not that I'm running frantically from here to there, nor do I have 10 kids.  I haven't taken an audition in a long time, and this one happens to be really important to me.  I usually don't care too much about the outcome, but I'm beginning to realize I'm internalizing things, and in turn, making my body freak out.  I'd love to think that it's something that I have eaten...but unless it's from a peanut butter sandwich.....  Haha.

On a completely different note, I need to organize my second bedroom stat.   This week.  I always put things off...but some furniture is coming at the end of the week, and a dear friend has agreed to move it in for me whilst I'm gone to the audition.  I of course am going to pay her for her troubles, but just the fact she's helping is SO nice.  Come to think of it, I need sheets for the new bed too.  Yikes.  *sigh*

Another random thought, I'm completely obsessed with streaming Netflix through my Wii.  It's awesome.  And I've been watching Law and Order SVU constantly (when I'm not practicing).  I've already seen every episode, but not in order.  I have found a few in the first season that I hadn't seen either!  I'm almost through the second season.  Love it.

Truth

"It's easy for you to appear as if everything is fine, but you're not sharing your secrets today. You may be holding on to some very strong feelings because you are afraid that telling all could provoke negative consequences. Unfortunately, your strategy might backfire because others can sense that you're withholding something important. Even if you don't just blurt the truth out into the open now, keep in mind that there's no reason to hide it either."


This was my horoscope this week.


I usually don't take much stock in horoscopes...I think they are fun to read at the end of the day, and mostly silly.  If one happens to pertain to my life at the moment, I think it's a message being sent to me...but I don't put too much weight on it.  However.  This one definitely made me stop and think.


This is definitely how I run my life.  I usually bottle things up inside and have everything outwardly appear as if they are ok.  A few of my friends know how I really feel, but no one else really needs to know.  One thing in my life in particular, I believe that only two people know how I truly feel, and it's not sitting well.  However, certain circumstances in the past have proved that people can stab you in the back fairly easily, and I will never forget it.


Quite interesting how things are brought to light.